[ binghe's brows knit together, and he looks at shen qingqiu, expression vulnerable; as the hand comes up to his cheek, he tilts his head into it, like a dog seeking attention again, trying to ground himself with the soft, gentle touch. normally, he's greedy for shen qingqiu's attention and affection like this, desperate for love and validation, and it's the tiniest thread that he can hold onto for the moment, fighting the war in his head.
it's not enough. the want to hurt and maim and attack comes up again, rising like a wave until its almost a crescendo, and binghe's eyes screw shut. he takes a ragged, deep breath, and his eyes snap open, that reddish color returning to his irises. it is only his own sheer force of will that has him suddenly ripping himself away from shen qingqiu, staggering backwards to get some distance between them, until its his back that slams into another wall. it hurts, but the pain of it is clarifying, and the fervor and desire for blood fades long enough for him to realize there's a solution to avoiding hurting shizun. it's an easy solution.
his hand goes to his waist and binghe draws his sword, the silver metal a bright streak in the evening light. he doesn't go rushing for shen qingqiu, even though every nasty voice in his head screams at the idea of hurting a human in vengeance, they've caused you so much pain-- no. no no no no.
binghe draws it on himself, turning the blade. better step in quick if you like ur cute bun, shizun. ]
[ oh shit. oh fuck. SITUATION RAPIDLY OUT OF CONTROL.
For a minute he thought he had gotten through whatever whispers into Binghe's ears, abet he doesn't relax just yet. there's no telling what exactly is happening in the war inside his apprentice despite only what he can infer and honestly, all his options are Bad and Worse.
Once he pulls away, there's immediately a quiet noise of surprise eyes immediately assessing but it seems like whatever he was hoping for isn't on the table. Shen Qingqiu doesn't even think about it before he flings himself at Binghe, the moment he unsheathes his sword, bodily stepping between the sword and his apprentice, eyes squeezed shut. ]
You are stronger than this, Binghe!
[ haha, here's hoping he's not about to eat shit. ]
[ IT WASN'T OUT OF CONTROL BEFORE? SQQ. YOUR PRIORITIES.
that was a mistake. at this point, all of the bloodlust has completely taken over. it is only his intense love and care for shen qingqiu that has him going after himself, instead, because binghe would rather die than cause him any suffering. but shen qingqiu just goes right ahead and makes that impossible, too.
binghe can't stop himself, not in time. it's like wading through water, as he realizes in a red-tinted haze what's happening, and it is only the sheer mental fortitude of his character that keeps binghe from killing shen qingqiu on accident on the spot. his blade was aiming for his own body, anywhere he could hit, and with shen qingqiu suddenly in his space, he doesn't have enough time to stop the swinging motion of his arm. his other arm shoots out and wraps tight around shen qingqiu's waist, pulling him closer to his body in the same moment that gravity and binghe's sword skills come into play.
it's all he can do.
the sharp edge of the sword skates across shen qingqiu's shoulders as it's diverted, leaving a clean, thin cut through his robes and across his shoulderblades, but the force from binghe's strike is unstoppable, and the blade digs deep at his upper arm, leaving a crescent of a wound that could've easily taken his arm off, had it been completely on target.
instead, in finishing the strike he releases the sword, so it flies out of his hand and hits the ground with a clang. it plays out like a horror scene in slow motion: binghe's clarity comes back when the smell of blood rushes through his senses, sharp tang of iron rust, and in the first true moment of self in the past few hours, binghe realizes in horror, what he's just done. ]
sqq hisses at the sharp sting of pain, grabbing Binghe’s robes when his vision swims for a moment and his knees falter. he refuses to be a swooning maiden but fuck, that hurts!
hopefully the shock is enough to knock him out of it as cleaning that wound certainly won’t be an easy task. but, ha. look at him, getting distracted in the middle of everything.
he hauls himself up, looking at binghe, checking his apprentice for that spark of recognition in his eyes and smiles, so gently at him when he sees it. there you are. ]
[ binghe's left still holding onto shen qingqiu with his free arm as his sword clatters onto the ground. he stares at the wall behind him for a moment, stunned, breathing harshly, as he starts. ] ...Shizun?
[ there's blood. it's on binghe's hands, its on shizun's arm, and when he looks up at him like that, binghe's entire world shatters. he's no idiot, and can easily put two and two together; he did the most unforgivable thing he ever could have done. tears rush to binghe's eyes, so quickly that he can barely see straight, and all of the color drains from his face almost immediately. he cries out-- ] Shizun! [ as the panic starts to rise up hot and fresh in his chest. he has to do something, has to stop the bleeding has to help and his hand snaps out to try and grab for the wound, but binghe stops himself mid air. his mind reels with the horrifying thought of what if I do it again?
(you will do it again, something answers in the back of his mind. you knew you would hurt him eventually.
binghe stumbles, freezing, hand hovering, not sure what to do. there's blood, there's too much blood and he caused it, he did it, he finally hurt shizun, shizun, shizun, and overwhelmed, he finally starts to sob. - ] I'm sorry, I didn't--what did I -- I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, why didn't you let me hurt me instead, why did you -- shizun-- [ fat tears fall down his cheeks, his shoulders heaving, as the whole world closes down to tunnel vision, and he cries like a child, because shizun let binghe hurt him, and then looked at him like he'd done nothing wrong. his other arm is still around shen qingqiu, and his fingers curl so tight in the fabric of his robe that his knuckles go white.
monster. you're a monster. you're a monster, luo binghe. everyone was right. he is a monster. ]
[ Oh Binghe. His poor precious white bun who never deserved any of this.
Shen Qingqiu sighs fondly, uninjured hand coming to stroke his hair soothingly, tiredly laughing that even now here he is, bleeding, and yet he’s still the one offering comfort. ]
There, there don’t cry. How could this teacher be worthy of a title if I don’t protect my precious apprentice from even himself?
[ he keeps his voice light, despite the fact that it does in fact hurt like balls, and he’s honestly ready to sit down and yell in pain for a minute. but that can wait as binghe will forever come in first, second, and third and his wellbeing will always take priority. ]
Come now, this old man isn’t so fragile that you can take me down so easy.
[ say what you will but he's still got fight left in him...! just catch him never using it against Binghe ]
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no subject
it's not enough. the want to hurt and maim and attack comes up again, rising like a wave until its almost a crescendo, and binghe's eyes screw shut. he takes a ragged, deep breath, and his eyes snap open, that reddish color returning to his irises. it is only his own sheer force of will that has him suddenly ripping himself away from shen qingqiu, staggering backwards to get some distance between them, until its his back that slams into another wall. it hurts, but the pain of it is clarifying, and the fervor and desire for blood fades long enough for him to realize there's a solution to avoiding hurting shizun. it's an easy solution.
his hand goes to his waist and binghe draws his sword, the silver metal a bright streak in the evening light. he doesn't go rushing for shen qingqiu, even though every nasty voice in his head screams at the idea of hurting a human in vengeance, they've caused you so much pain-- no. no no no no.
binghe draws it on himself, turning the blade. better step in quick if you like ur cute bun, shizun. ]
no subject
For a minute he thought he had gotten through whatever whispers into Binghe's ears, abet he doesn't relax just yet. there's no telling what exactly is happening in the war inside his apprentice despite only what he can infer and honestly, all his options are Bad and Worse.
Once he pulls away, there's immediately a quiet noise of surprise eyes immediately assessing but it seems like whatever he was hoping for isn't on the table. Shen Qingqiu doesn't even think about it before he flings himself at Binghe, the moment he unsheathes his sword, bodily stepping between the sword and his apprentice, eyes squeezed shut. ]
You are stronger than this, Binghe!
[ haha, here's hoping he's not about to eat shit. ]
no subject
that was a mistake. at this point, all of the bloodlust has completely taken over. it is only his intense love and care for shen qingqiu that has him going after himself, instead, because binghe would rather die than cause him any suffering. but shen qingqiu just goes right ahead and makes that impossible, too.
binghe can't stop himself, not in time. it's like wading through water, as he realizes in a red-tinted haze what's happening, and it is only the sheer mental fortitude of his character that keeps binghe from killing shen qingqiu on accident on the spot. his blade was aiming for his own body, anywhere he could hit, and with shen qingqiu suddenly in his space, he doesn't have enough time to stop the swinging motion of his arm. his other arm shoots out and wraps tight around shen qingqiu's waist, pulling him closer to his body in the same moment that gravity and binghe's sword skills come into play.
it's all he can do.
the sharp edge of the sword skates across shen qingqiu's shoulders as it's diverted, leaving a clean, thin cut through his robes and across his shoulderblades, but the force from binghe's strike is unstoppable, and the blade digs deep at his upper arm, leaving a crescent of a wound that could've easily taken his arm off, had it been completely on target.
instead, in finishing the strike he releases the sword, so it flies out of his hand and hits the ground with a clang. it plays out like a horror scene in slow motion: binghe's clarity comes back when the smell of blood rushes through his senses, sharp tang of iron rust, and in the first true moment of self in the past few hours, binghe realizes in horror, what he's just done. ]
no subject
sqq hisses at the sharp sting of pain, grabbing Binghe’s robes when his vision swims for a moment and his knees falter. he refuses to be a swooning maiden but fuck, that hurts!
hopefully the shock is enough to knock him out of it as cleaning that wound certainly won’t be an easy task. but, ha. look at him, getting distracted in the middle of everything.
he hauls himself up, looking at binghe, checking his apprentice for that spark of recognition in his eyes and smiles, so gently at him when he sees it. there you are. ]
no subject
[ there's blood. it's on binghe's hands, its on shizun's arm, and when he looks up at him like that, binghe's entire world shatters. he's no idiot, and can easily put two and two together; he did the most unforgivable thing he ever could have done. tears rush to binghe's eyes, so quickly that he can barely see straight, and all of the color drains from his face almost immediately. he cries out-- ] Shizun! [ as the panic starts to rise up hot and fresh in his chest. he has to do something, has to stop the bleeding has to help and his hand snaps out to try and grab for the wound, but binghe stops himself mid air. his mind reels with the horrifying thought of what if I do it again?
(you will do it again, something answers in the back of his mind. you knew you would hurt him eventually.
binghe stumbles, freezing, hand hovering, not sure what to do. there's blood, there's too much blood and he caused it, he did it, he finally hurt shizun, shizun, shizun, and overwhelmed, he finally starts to sob. - ] I'm sorry, I didn't--what did I -- I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, why didn't you let me hurt me instead, why did you -- shizun-- [ fat tears fall down his cheeks, his shoulders heaving, as the whole world closes down to tunnel vision, and he cries like a child, because shizun let binghe hurt him, and then looked at him like he'd done nothing wrong. his other arm is still around shen qingqiu, and his fingers curl so tight in the fabric of his robe that his knuckles go white.
monster. you're a monster. you're a monster, luo binghe. everyone was right. he is a monster. ]
no subject
Shen Qingqiu sighs fondly, uninjured hand coming to stroke his hair soothingly, tiredly laughing that even now here he is, bleeding, and yet he’s still the one offering comfort. ]
There, there don’t cry. How could this teacher be worthy of a title if I don’t protect my precious apprentice from even himself?
[ he keeps his voice light, despite the fact that it does in fact hurt like balls, and he’s honestly ready to sit down and yell in pain for a minute. but that can wait as binghe will forever come in first, second, and third and his wellbeing will always take priority. ]
Come now, this old man isn’t so fragile that you can take me down so easy.
[ say what you will but he's still got fight left in him...! just catch him never using it against Binghe ]